Tuesday, December 07, 2004

the purse

I miss L.A. already. Damn. My heart and soul just dig on that scene. So...here I am, back in Northern California, and I should be like all happy to not be anywhere near the City. Whatever...grass always greener and all that.

I picked up the newest Doors compilation (of the same ol' Doors songs) and totally dug it in my big ass gas guzzling massive rented SUV. This mother was massive. And the tunes were hella cool. So, me...and L.A. and Jim. We're kindred spirits.

I got lost going to Santa Monica Friday afternoon, and landed in Bel Air. They sure are fucking snotty there, ain't they? And I'm certain most were strung out on Lortab. But...it was a short stay...and that's the end of that story.

Except...I did look up into the night sky while on my flight home, and I saw this cool ass falling star...and it was totally a private moment. Like God waving, er something.

Did I ever tell you about my stolen purse? Okay. Well. This was like forever ago. Some dumb fucking idiot (who thought he had some remote chance in hell of me liking him) invited me to join him and his friends backpacking. So, knowing this one cool dude (the fucking idiot's friend) was going, I said sure.

Camping day comes, we load up...we head out...and he then informs me NO ONE ELSE is coming. So...I should have just pulled the car over, kicked his stupid ass out, and gone back to bed. But...not willing to admit I was only interested because I thought COOL DUDE was coming, I went...for spite. This shall be referred to as MISTAKE #1.

So...blah blah...we arrive at Point Reyes. We like hike FORFUCKINGEVER through this wilderness...and I'm like taking smoke breaks every 1/4 mile. He's all getting pissy with my breaks...and I'm telling him to fuck off. So...we pitch the stupid little tent, and promptly a storm blows in.

We are RIGHT ON THE BEACH with this NOAH SIZED DOWNFALL and wind...the asshole then decides this is THE PERFECT TIME TO MAKE HIS MOVE ON ME. I told him there wasn't enough vodka in the fucking world...and we decided to BORE OURSELVES TO DEATH (by not talking) and subsequently fell asleep.

Middle of the night the damn tent like rolls over from the wind...I'm just done with the whole nature scene...I exit the damn piece of shit housing...and was attacked by a KILLER RACCOON. (No shit. This particular rodent, er whatever, actually shot it's teeth at me...like a porcupine...) (well, maybe it didn't. But...it's eyes were pure black.) So...I shine the light on this little satanic creature...I SCREAM...IT SCREAMS BACK...nature is just too weird when YOU'RE on THEIR turf. Animals and wildlife are all good...just: BEHIND BARS...like THE ZOO.

Okay, look. I'm all cool with creatures...but...their just like...OUT TO GET YOU. I pretty much think every creature considers me either FOOD...or some TERRITORIAL THREAT. So, we don't mesh...cause they FIGHT DIRTY...too. Yuckems. I would never want to hurt an animal, either...'cause like THEIR WHOLE FAMILY would come after me, I JUST KNOW IT. So...like...I fear creatures.

PEOPLE, I don't give a shit about. GIMME A BANK ROBBER ANYTIME. A BLOOD-THIRSTY RACCOON...that's fuckin scary, dude.

So...next day, I kick his sleeping bag and tell him his ride it leaving...and he best get his shit up. I ditch ALL MY BELONGINGS IN THAT GOD FORSAKEN WASTELAND so my backpacking wouldn't interfere with my SMOKING. 40 years later, we head around the last fucking turn of the last fucking hill...down toward the parking lot.

WHAT DO I SEE? The passenger door is wide open. I'm all like WHATTHEHELL? (The guy's name was George. We referred to him as GEEKY GEORGE. No doubt he's like bald and fat now with some bald and fat ex-wife, and a couple of bald and fat kids...) Anyhow...so I'm like "Fuckin George! You forgot to lock my fucking door!" And he's all like ignoring me, or afraid of me, or ATTEMPTING TO APPEAR SEXY...one last time...

So...I get down there...and SURE AS SHIT...the door's wide open...broken glass EVERYWHERE! Some big stupid piece of MOTHER EARTH (a large rock) sitting on my driver's seat...and EVERYTHING GUTTED FROM MY CAR...including...you're right: MY DAMN PURSE.

(they even took my clove butts...and my spare change...)

Geeky George and I drove those eternal 2 hours back to town...and spoke not word one. When I pulled up to his house I finally spoke, "I'll let you know how much you owe me for this shit tomorrow."

About 8 years went by.

I get this phone call from my mom...she's all talking in code, or something. She's all, "Honey, I found your purse on my front doorstep..." And I'm like, "Hey mom, you may want to back off of all that Sudafed---" No, actually, I informed her my purse was on the coat rack. And she's all, (diggin in MY PURSE NOW) "Well, here's your driver's license, and your make up, and your quarter gram of cocaine..." (no...I'm kiddin.) (Hell, not even I would have left THAT sittin around) But, my mom's all routin through my purse...this is so not okay...I MEAN...NO ONE IS EVER ALLOWED TO DIG IN A WOMAN'S PURSE!

If I were, say Diabetic, and my like insulin was in my purse, I would prefer you RESPECT MY SHIT AND KEEP THE FUCK OUT OF MY PURSE! You'd best be YELLIN' out to those around you for a SPARE INSULIN SYRINGE, before you go diggin in my purse, k?

So...I tell her I don't understand a damn thing she's saying and I will check it out later.

Later came. SURE AS SHIT. My fucking purse from the torturous weekend with GEEKY GEORGE! All my cheap ass make up...driver's license...little notes...EVERYTHING WAS LIKE HERMETICALLY SEALED from the day some dumb fucker broke into my car and stole it. The deal...I mean...this was 8 years later! This dumb purse was like with someone, somewhere...for 8 FUCKING YEARS!

So, what? Like, one day they decide to drive LIKE 100 MILES and deliver it to the address on the driver's license? Like a karma deal, or what? Are they like ON A MISSION to right their past wrongs, or something?

SHIT, MAN. GIMME CASH. I'm all good with CASH. Hey, forget your slimey ass behavior of breaking into my car and stealing my purse...you filthy fucking scumbag...GIMME CASH...and it's all good.

I tripped on it for like a couple of days...but...then...i just filed it in my head under: OKAYWHATEVER.

I guess what I learned from that, was:


In life...some things end...and other things are put on hold. Never believe you hold the deciding vote on which is which. Take what comes...and don't ever sweat the odds. Sometimes we have a role in fate...and other times we are simply passengers...

I, myself, simply enjoy riding the tides and surfing the waves of each and every moment of this always amazing trip known as life...

...see you next time...