Sunday, May 04, 2014

love remains the same

i was gonna write, but i don't wanna write.  i mean, write write.  like some long thing that i share with the world, but im not there yet.  so, i figured i would write you, cause, well, you said you want to know me better.

so yeah.  a little about me today?  alright, here it is.  you know like when you hit your shin on something in the middle of the night and you think HOLY FUCK, THAT'S REALLY GONNA HURT LATER...

yeah.  well, i am reminded, no matter how much i think i have things under control...there's always later.

right now is later.

remember when i said i cried when those evil kings killed my sharks last year?

well, no.  im not crying.  but its in me.  i can feel it in my chest.  it's like right there.  and yesterday hurt a little more than the day before and today hurts a little more than then.  tomorrow ...well...maybe this is as bad as it will get. 

i doubt it though.

i fucking hate loss.  i hate to lose sooo much.  especially when i know i have it within me to win.  especially when my opponent isn't really out of my reach.  i don't love to win to prove im a winner to anyone.  i love to win because the goal is to fucking win.  and im gonna be that person who won't take on a challenge unless i know i can pull that shit off.  and when i win, or succeed at something, it's cool, it is.  but it only makes me want to try something harder and push past my limits...and win some more.

there's no room for losing in that mix.

losing.  stopping.  ending.  over.  i fucking hate that idea.  i hate finality.  i always believe impossible things are possible.  and when it's over, it limits me.  and i hate limits.  i hate the end.

i miss my sharks.  and i hate those kings.  but i hate that the sharks had the chance and didn't seize it more.  no, wait.  i still have my fantasies about finding jonathan quick in a dark alley and ive got an aluminum baseball bat and no one can hear him scream...


yeah yeah yeah:  do no harm.  yeah yeah, im a pacifistic.  but damnit, im also vehemently opposed to waste.  and my sharks bailing on me too early...i wasn't ready.  i wanted this.  i wanted more.  i wanted them to win.  and they had what it takes to win.  and they could have really had a chance at finally winning it all...

but it's over.  the impossible never happened.  and we are on the other side of the end.

and it's like a death.  and yes, we can look forward to the future, but you know what?  FUCK THE FUTURE.  I WANTED THIS NOW...


"we should have had the sun...could have been inside...instead we're over here.
half the time the world is ending...truth is, i am done pretending...
here i am without you...

drink to all we have lost.  mistakes we have made.
everything will change.  i, oh i, i wish this could last forever.  as if...we could last forever?
love remains the same."