Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Intergalactic Domination and Clam Chowder...

In 2009, the New York Yankees had a regular season record against the Los Angeles Angels at Anaheim of 5 wins and 5 losses.

...The Yankees also had a regular season record against the Boston Red Sox of 9 wins, 9 losses.

When I consider this season of 2011, many questions arise as I look ahead and look behind.

With 33 games remaining, and presently sitting atop the American League East, I realize: unless the Yankees have some epic collapse, they will more than likely make the will the Red well as the Texas Rangers and the Detroit Tigers.

The irony of looking ahead is the inability to predict anything. Take, for example, the regular season records mentioned above. Fact is, the Yankees never had to face the Red Sox in the post-season that year, due to the fact that the evil Anaheim faction obliterated the skanky Red Sox from any further post-season activity and sent them evil bitchez home to cry in their imitation clam chowder...

(Note to self: did you ever send Anaheim flowers?)

And yet...all of 2009...What did the Yankees and their fans hear all season long? How inept and lifeless the Yankees were, especially against teams playing .500 or above...and how the Yankees were about to really get the living snot beat out of them if they made the playoffs...and had to face real teams...

(I can still hear Joe Buck's voice in my head. And McCarver.)

(I should sue them for emotional damages. I'd like a Maserati. And a mansion to park it in...)

...In the end, what was all the fuss about? Nothin'.

You see, in October, the baseball world becomes entwined in possibilities and impossibilities.

Sure, stats show "aptitude," and "propensity."

We see trends and mind-blowing effort from individual players all across the League...but in October, all that Major League White Noise gets distilled down to one concentrated grenade-like team emitting one continual sonorous hummmm...predestined toward one unquenchable goal...

...a single entity, willing and present, seeking complete annihilation and victory over all who would oppose it, or stand in it's unquenchable's destiny: to obliterate the world as we know it and take over the entire galaxy by their superior dominance, victorious badassness, and opulent excellence.

This is, after all, why it's called, the "World Series."

(Uh huh. It's a good thing the Yankees have been taking over the galaxy as much as we have. Could you imagine the state of the universe if the Red Sox had continual galaxy domination and influence? Black holes would shoot things back out at us and the Earth would tilt right off it's axis in a very understandible rejection of such an overt violation of Natural Selection...)

This is another example of empirical evidence proving one endless truth: God is a Yankee fan.

In a best of 5 series where someone like Kenny Rogers (DET, 2006 ALDS) can become Cy Young...and bugs can cause a rookie pitcher to collapse on the mound while slathered in DEET faster than a Crisco-slathered house of cards...where do all the regular season stats and possibilites fit?

(For: the Yankees went on to beat the evil ANAHEIM FACTION and advanced to the WORLD SERIES against the evil PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES...where they actually BEAT THEM, TOO. Incidentally, the New York Yankees had a .333 1 win/ 2 losses record against the Phillies that season. And spared the planet from a Phillies domination. Again.)

In 2011, the Yankees have a losing record against just 2 teams: the Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers. Is this a cause for concern?

Again, when a team like the SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS can have a regular season record against the SAN DIEGO PADRES of 12 losses in 18 games...and the Padres opt to go on some 10-game losing streak just 2 weeks before the end of the season, does it matter if you never hear from them again?

Yet those very Giants find a way to skate past the ATLANTA BRAVES (with whom they had a 3 wins/ 4 losses regular season record), and even over-power the PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES (3/3) and take on one of the hottest hitting teams in the entire league (the Texas Rangers, sporting one CLIFF LEE) and STILL found a way to WIN IT ALL...after entering the post-season with merely 92 wins....hell: Anything is possible, indeed.

Ask Bill Buckner.

October is different.

Or is it??

Perhaps for SOME teams, the regular season wins are all that matter. Take, for instance, the 2011 Red Sox team. They presently have a losing record against 7 teams: CHICAGO WHITE SOX, CLEVELAND INDIANS, PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES, PITTSBURGH PIRATES, SAN DIEGO PADRES, TAMPA BAY RAYS, and the TEXAS RANGERS.

However, they DO have 10 wins against the Yankees. (And, oddly, even WITH 10 direct losses, the Yankees remain neck in neck for 1st place in the AL EAST. Why is this?)

...And, more importantly, as some may assume: What IF the Red Sox and Yankees actually have to face one another in the ALCS...? Is it a SURE WIN? I'd like to submit some interesting facts regarding the Red Sox batters. It's consistent with my theory that PRETTY MUCH ALL M*THERF*GGIN TEAMS GEAR UP AND PLAY US LIKE WE'RE HOLDING THEIR FAMILY HOSTAGE AND ONLY A WIN WILL RETURN GRAMMA SAFELY TO HER ROCKING CHAIR...

Below, you can see in GREEN the batting averages of Red Sox players against the Yankees this season. Just below each BA, OBP, and SLG in GREEN you can see each players actual career numbers, for instance: Jacoby Ellsbury normally bats .275. and yet, against the Yankees, he has batted .348...

Interestingly, all but Gonzalez, Crawford, and Youkilis are batting well above their typical career numbers. Remember: career numbers span beyond just one season. Are the Red Sox overplaying the entire American League? Clearly no. These numbers simply represent their batting averages against the Yankees, so far this season.

Now, let's look at how the Yankees have batted against the Red Sox this season, in comparison to their career numbers:

Clearly, Eric Chavez, Russell Martin, and Eduardo Nunez are playing exceptionally well, even against the evil Red Sox, compared to their career averages.

After crunching many stats, and perusing trends and looking for that needle in the haystack to give me just a glimpse as to what I can expect this October, I am keenly aware of one final answer:

I have no clue.

But, one thing I do know is this: Inasmuch as the regular season is one fraught with excitement, endurance, injury, and is possible to bring one's A-GAME to a particular team each time you oppose that team throughout the regular season. (Especially when you're getting beat to a pulp by teams like the CHICAGO WHITE SOX and the SAN DIEGO PADRES, CLEVELAND, PITTSBURGH, TAMPA BAY, AND TEXAS, right Boston?)

I firmly believe IF the Yankees discover themselves in the ALCS opposing the Red Sox, the laws of October baseball and superhero playing will have long since passed for the Red Sox. After all, they will have to eliminate either Detroit or Texas before they ever even see us. Therefore, there is NOTHING to say we will even have to ever see them again. But, if we do, I firmly believe we will all play according to our actual career numbers...and...this is extremely unfavorable for them lyin' cheatin' evil clam chowder eaters.